80 Funny Quotes That Can Really Crack You Up

Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh

With all the things going on globally, who doesn’t need a good laugh to help reduce those stress.

If you know the wonders laughter does to our being, you will certainly go through this very 80 funny quotes to the very end and trust me you would be glad that you did.

80 Funny Quotes That Can Really Crack You Up

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”

Billy Sunday

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

― Mark Twain

“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”

― Ellen DeGeneres

“I love summer in Glasgow, it’s my favourite day of the year.”
Fuad Alakbarov

“For someone as amazing as you, attention is like food, and you’re always hungry.”

― Seth McDonough

“You just say the opposite to what everyone else thinks. Is that why people think you’re so clever?”

― Tessa Hadley

“It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”

― Marilyn Monroe

“…counting on an ever-replenishing supply of tourists unaware that the smell would always be so much better than the taste. – LOL”

― Kimberley Tait

“I was walking along and this chair came flying past me, and another, and another, and I thought, man, this is gonna be a good night.”

― Liam Gallagher

“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”

― Lemony Snicket

“They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting.”

― John Green

“If the devil has a pitchfork and the grim reaper has a scythe, agriculture must be a huge industry in the underworld.”

― Fuad Alakbarov

“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”

― Einstein

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”

― Cathy Guiswite

“I guess the important thing is you’re safe now… but if you EVER. Make me think you’re dead again, I will find you and make you actually dead.”

― Noelle Stevenson

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”

― Jerry Seinfeld

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

― George Carlin

“I was asked by a friend of mine if I knew anything about capitalism. I said sure. The first letter of the first word of any sentence is capitalized!”

― James Hauenstein

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”

– Billy Wilder

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”

― Yogi Berra

“Nothing sometimes is more funny than unvarnished truth.”

― C.A.A. Savastano

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.”

― Bill Cosby

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”

― Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“I guess we don’t get to fight for the fate of the world in t-shirts.”

― Nenia Campbell

“If you fucked the way you mouthed off to me, I’d have come by now.”

― Nenia Campbell

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

― Will Rogers

“The best humor is displaying non-sense in a most sensible manner.”

― Shahenshah Hafeez Khan

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

― Rodney Dangerfield

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”

― Robert Benchley

“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”

― Isaac Asimov

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”

– Charles M. Schulz

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

-Elbert Hubbard

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

-Jean Giraudoux

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.”

― Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”

― Lily Tomlin

“It takes all sorts of people to make a world, as I’ve often heard, but I think there are some who could be spared.”

― L.M. Montgomery

“At least you were a fool about the right things”

― Ray Bradbury

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”

― Woody Allen

“Erections could be like cops: often there when you emphatically didn’t require them and sometimes absent when you did. Or so I have been told by friends who thought they could trust me.”

― Christopher Hitchens

“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.”

― Criss Jami

“Having a funny laugh is in most cases a consolation prize for not being funny.”

― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.”

― Marian Keyes

“I’ve had great success being a total idiot. ”

― Jerry Lewis

“My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.”

― Ellen DeGeneres

“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”

– Cynthia Heimel

“Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man.”

― erica jong

“We losers don’t fear death. For us it’s the end of a lifelong losing spell.”

― Dakota Dawn

“I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep.”

― Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.”

― Karl Lagerfeld

“Before you eat the elephant, make sure you know what parts you want to eat.”

― Todd Stocker

“I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.”

― Zsa Zsa Gabor

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.”

― Sam Levenson

“In Lucy’s eyes, a penis that doesn’t grow, is a very ungrateful penis.”

― Jimmy Tudeski

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, the middle one is for you.”

― Gena Showalter

“My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.”

― Darynda Jones

“People who didn’t need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn’t need people.”

― Terry Pratchett

“There’s nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn’t even have to matter what they’re laughing about.”

― Criss Jami

“I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?”

― Ellen DeGeneres

“I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.”

― Katie McGarry

“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.”

― Hedy Lamarr

“I never lie. I believe everything I say, so it’s not a lie.”

― Mark Wahlberg

“She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn’t quite possible.”

― Anthony Horowitz

“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”

– Desmond Morris

“The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.”

― Larissa Ione

“If god meant for people to talk into cellphones, he would’ve put our mouths on the side of our heads.”

― Devon Sampson

“Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.”

― Michelle Hodkin

“When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!”

― Julie Halpern

“Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business”

― Gregory David Roberts

“No such word as can’t. No such word as babagoozle neither!”

― Charlie Higson

“They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.”

― Sophie Kinsella

“My personal motto has always been if you’ve already dug yourself a hole too deep to climb out of, you may as well keep digging.”

― Katie Henry

“It’s theology. Were you expecting sex, drugs, and rock and roll?”
“One out of the three would be nice.”

― Katie Henry

“You know you’re a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.”

― Chelsea Handler

“Drunken men give some of the best pep talks.”

― Criss Jami

“Women were created gullible. It they weren’t no babies would be born.”

― Dakota Dawn

“If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.”

― Bauvard

“To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told…and have a sense of humor doing it.”

― Criss Jami

“I Take Life Very Seriously: One Joke At A Time.”

― Sandra Chami Kassis

“We weren’t really friends yet, just knowers of each other’s secret stuff.”

― M. Beth Bloom

“He who laughs last … just didn’t get the joke.”

― Carroll Bryant

“Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals.”

― Amit Kalantri

There you have it and we really hope those funny quotes from those renowned philosophers and comedians did crack you up and help in this hard times. Always feel free to explore all other inspiring and motivational quotes here. Also share to friends so they can also laugh and reduce stress..

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